


B E A U T I F U L

by Sailor_Saccharin



Series: Yoo Kihyun [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Blowjobs, Choking, Cunnilingus, Daddy Kink, Dom/sub, Domestic, F/M, NFSW, Nicknames, Pet Names, Reader Insert, Romance, Slapping, Smut, ambw, kpop, kpopnsfw, maybepregancy, monsta x - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-05-15 23:12:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14799777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sailor_Saccharin/pseuds/Sailor_Saccharin
Summary: “I don’t care if I get hurtCause you’re myOne and only beautiful”“You’re so beautifulI can’t take my eyes off youLike a thorn on a flowerI know I’ll get pricked but I want you.”





	1. America the beautiful

“Can we just call a wedding planner?” You exhale loudly, butterfly kicking the air. Kihyun ignores your whining focusing more so on how to use your computer to upload the photos he took of you from his Cannon camera. The sight is hilarious times ten since you offered to help Kihyun and he rejected you, claiming he could figure out things on his own.

“No. I’m not paying someone to do something we can do on our own. Stop being lazy.” Kihyun retorts, eyes glued to the settings screen.

“It’s not lazy it’s full-proof. What if we miss something or if we wanna change a detail last minute? A planner takes care of all of that.” you tell him, flipping through images of cakes and wedding themes on your phone.

“You’re just being lazy. We’re not getting married until next year so even if we wanted a planner what’s the point of getting one now?” 

“You’re such a buzzkill.” You mumble in English knowing he won’t really understand the colloquialism. Most of the time you avoid using English around Kihyun because he doesn’t understand it very well. You work with him occasionally, but he has a tendency of getting frustrated easily. So, you’ve put the English lessons on the back burner until you can figure out how to deal with your bratty fiancé.

Kihyun doesn’t reply, instead focusing his attention on navigating your computer. As much fun as it is to watch him struggle, you know helping him is probably the best option. He’s your baby and according to the Bae laws ‘one must always help their Bae when they see them struggling.’

“Why is fucking laptop in English?” he swears out of frustration.

“Baby you know you can put the computer in hangul right?” taunting him is one of your favorite activities. It’s something you can do because you know kihyun can take it and because that’s just the dynamic of your relationship. Kihyun bullies you every chance he gets, and you always pay him back tenfold−, “Also this is my laptop, and my native tongue is English. I’m still really bad at reading hangul...”

−The bae rules don’t say you can’t taunt your bae when he’s struggling though.

Getting up from the bed, you lean over the computer chair Kihyun is sitting in and click a few buttons in the settings tab, “Here you go, it’s in hangul now, is that better?” You can feel the frustration radiating from him and kissing his cheek only adds onto it. Kihyun spends around in the chair, pulling you into his lap. He’s so warm that you instantly cuddle up to him.

“I wanna go home.” He mumbles, hand teasing the smalls of your back. 

“We’re only here for two weeks Ki, I have to spend some time with my family and get my official documentation before I make the move to Korea.” You tell him, kissing his jaw, “You know I’ll translate for you whenever you can’t understand something. Also, my family really enjoyed you at dinner so that’s always a plus. Can you try…for me baby?”

“I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, red colored embarrassment seeping into his tan skin.

“Sorry for what? Remember how bad my Korean use to be? Remember when I used to stumble over words and you would laugh and kiss me when I would get flustered. There’s no difference Ki, I’d never leave you hanging.” his arms tighten around you and you snuggle into the grip, hugging him back, taking in the; leanness of his body, the smell of his clothing, the feeling of his skin against yours.

“I knew there was some reason I loved you. I just couldn’t pinpoint it.” He jokes, standing up, you in his arms.

“You’re such an asshole. Now I need you to help me with this dual citizenship paperwork.” Kihyun smiles and peppers g your faces with soft kisses.

“I’ll do it later, we just go the computer to where I can understand it.” he sticks his tongue out before dropping you onto the bed and resuming his work.

“Kihyun!” You screech, winded by his decision to drop you without warning. You toss a pillow at him, landing it on the back of his head. When it hits him, you know you’re going to regret it but you don’t care, if you can get revenge on him then you’re fine no matter the cost you should pay in return. 

Plus, you know how to give your man a run for his money, especially when he’s upset with you.

When he pins you down to the bed, preparing to punish you, you push your lips against his, stealing his anger from under his breathe, “Help me or I’ll do it again.” He’s weak to the taste of your lips, the puppy dog eyes you flash him, the way you slower your voice when you want something from him.

 

“I spoil you too much.” He sighs, “Let me see the paperwork.”

~~

“Kihyun.” You groan, sleep still fresh in your voice. He nuzzles his face into your neck, whispering your name softly “Stopppp it.” Kihyun ignores you, continuing to press little kisses into your collarbone. Moaning you turn over so you can face him and press a kiss to his lips.

“Good morning.” His smile blinds you almost as much as the kisses he presses back against your lips. You sigh and pull his cheeks a little, something he can’t stand. His hand reaches out to grab yours, holding it softly. You’ve forgotten how nice it was to wake up next to such a wonderful boyfriend.

“Good morning Hyunnie. You’re so affectionate this morning.” You chuckle, sitting up to straddle him, “You know my mom is right downstairs?” He sits up soon after you, pressing kisses to the junction between your breast. The feeling makes you moan in his ears; the softness of the sound only serves to further turn Kihyun on.

“We can be quiet. I’ll go slow, make you feel really good.” he whispers against your lips. His kisses are soft, calculated, weaponized. His intention is to take you down, make you want him just as badly. 

“Oh, please you and quiet don’t even function in the same sentence together.” You tease, mushing his shoulder. You can feel Kihyun through the blanket but you just attributed it to morning wood and not the actual desire to try for reproduction in your mother’s home.

He presses himself into you, making his desire apparent. Kihyun isn’t usually too pressed for morning sex, preferring to take you right before bed or late afternoons where he knows he can please you fully. He’s always been attentive, very much so, taking the time to know what you like, dislike, and love. He’s mapped out the spots on your body that make you moan and the places you don’t like to be touched. He pays attention to every fine detail, he’s been this way since your first time. It’s something you admire dearly.

“Kihyun pleaseee? The flight was really long and when we finally got in you spent the entire night complaining about the computer.” Whining, you throw your head back being intentionally overdramatic.

“Baby I need you though. Just a quickie, please? I’ll stop when you come even if I don’t, just please I need to feel you?” he nibbles at your exposed neck, careful not leave any traces of passion behind. It’s hard for him though, he loves to admire his artwork more than he loves creating it.

“Fine but you better make it quick. My mom doesn’t like locked doors.” You pout, arms crossed over your chest. Although you flex like you’re against morning coitus seeing kihyun so needy turns you on.

He slides off his shirt, leaving him bare before stealing your bra and his boxer’s briefs −that you’ve somehow managed to sleep in without him noticing−from your skin leaving you both bare.

“How many times are we gonna go over that fact my boxers are not your personal pajama pants?” He mumbles into the crook of your neck, running his tongue across the sensitive flesh. The feeling makes you shutter and your breath hitch much to Kihyun’s liking. He knows he’s got you right where he wants you, melting in the palm of his hands.

“That depends, how many times are we gonna go over wearing only a t-shirt does not qualify for pajamas?” You bite back, raking your nails down his spine. He swallows thickly, eyes begging you silently not to break skin. You want to though, you want to leave those pretty red marks on his back but his shirts are so thin. They’d probably bleed through.

“You like it though.” Kihyun shoves a finger in your mouth running it down the length of your stomach before finally settling on your clit. He rubs the sensitive bud in circles stealing gasp and deep needy breathes from you, “And that’s because you’re obsessed with me.”

"Narcissisms really your strong suit y’know?” You breathe, a moan escaping your lips softly. The conversation is cut short when he shoves a finger into you, making a come-hither motion inside. You grind against his finger, desperate to feel more than the small bout of ecstasy he’s providing.

“Fuck that’s it baby girl. Fuck yourself just like that.” He slides another digit into you, letting you fuck yourself on him while he takes a nipple into his mouth. The feeling leaves you breathless, struggling to hold back shameless sounds of pleasure.

“Lay on your side princess.” His voice is hoarse with need. You obey, feeling him lay beside you and rest your leg atop his own. You grind against the swollen head of his dick while he searches for a rubber. It doesn’t take long for him to slide it on and slide into you.

When he does, you don’t think you could have predicted the loud gasp that leaves your mouth, “Pretty baby you’re drowning me.” He breathes through a chuckle. He keeps slow, concentrating more on depth then speed. Every movement has you struggling to stay silent. Kihyun forces a hand over your mouth, muffling your voice with his palm. Then he moves quicker, using his other hand to lift your leg into the air so he angle deeper.

You feel amazing, eyes rolled back into your head, crying out against your boyfriend’s palm while he breathes heavily in your ear. Despite the muffled sound of your voice, Kihyun can hear the chanting of his name. That alone is his inspiration to fuck you harder, deeper, faster until every nerve in your body is on fire and you’re tightening around him, exploding into nothingness, teeth biting at his palm.

“Good girl.” He breathes, sliding out of you and tying off the condom.

“Wait baby, don’t stop. I need more.” You beg, rubbing at your clit.

 

Kihyun’s breathe catches in his throat as flips you over on your stomach, “Ass up Princess.” He kisses at your clit sucking vigorously while stroking himself.

 

“That’s my last condom. I was going to get some more when we went shopping today.” The whine that leaves your mouth raises in pitch when you feel Kihyun’s tongue inside of you and his occasional need to pull it out and run circles and long stripes between your folds, against your labia.

“I don’t care just fuck me.” You beg. He shifts to his knees, pumping himself softly before pushing inside you. The moan that leaves your mouth is so loud that Kihyun’s forced to shove your head down into the mattress.

He bears no mercy, fucking into you hard enough to make the headboard slam into the wall. If you were in your right mind you’d let him know the risk of being caught but you’re not. You’re more concerned with sucking every bit of life out of your boyfriend, who’s one hand is gripping your hips and other is forcing your face into the soft pillow you slept on only moments ago.

“Baby fuck, I’m about to come.” His voice is whiny with pleasure, desperate with need, and forgiving for all your pass transgressions. He needs you, needs you to let him come, to let him feel, to let him know that you’re his. When you give him the word he thanks you with a few more powerful thrusts before his body convulses against yours. 

“Sorry I couldn’t make you come again.” He apologizes as your legs give out and you face plant against the bed. You mumble that it’s fine as you feel your eyelids get heavy. Kihyun slaps your ass, making you jump up immediately.

“What the fuck Kihyun!” You growl, slapping his thigh in return. The hit is hard but Kihyun doesn’t feel it. After all he’s trained you in the art of inflicting pain through forehead flicks and body slaps, you can’t really use his own knowledge against him, plus he’s pretty strong and pain tolerant. 

“We don’t have time for sleep baby girl. We need to get ready to pick your mom up from the track so we can go to… Um Walmart?” The way he struggles to pronounce the name of the store is cute as hell but it doesn’t give him a free get-out-of-jail card for shocking you out of your impending sleep.

“The what now?” He laughs at your confusion, rubbing your butt softly. Soothing the ache, he caused with gentle hands. 

“Before you got up your mom ask me to drop her, your sister, and the dog off at the track so they could run. They invited me too but I wanted to stay with my princess.” He’s so greasy he could slip right through your fingers if you let him. 

“When was this?” You adjust so lay across his lap wanting to feel more of his hands on you. He messages your butt occasionally letting his hand run lower. 

“I got up to get some water.” He says. “I just wanted to see how quiet you could be. Not very.” He smacks your ass again, “Now get up.”

“I hate you.” You say, getting up to head into the bathroom. When you get there, you lock the door behind you so revenge for his white lying. It doesn’t bother him much he just chuckles and unlocks the door using a magic trick.

“Join the club babygirl.”


	2. The ugly side of love: arguments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: fights, crappy Kdrama elements, angst. 
> 
>  
> 
> (A/n: I have hypoglycemia occasionally and let me tell you that it’s serious af. Also, ya’ll know the drill italics are English

“Baby I’m not feeling good.” You whine for the umpteenth time , seeking the attention of your boyfriend. The two of you haven’t interacted much today and every time you do talk, it’s you, whining about how ill you’re feeling. You know Kihyun isn’t a doctor but with your mom not being here for the day you figured he could at least play nurse until she got back. No, not really, he’s been moody all day, ignoring your pleas in leu of anything and everything. You think you’ve made him upset somehow.

 

“ki, I’m really not feeling good.” You try again, hands gripped around your stomach. It isn’t just your stomach though, it’s your head and the way your body shakes with chills even though you’re feeling feverish.

 

“Well you’re gonna have to wait, I’m in the middle of something.” His agitation is evident from the tone of his voice, however it also causes him to receive a pillow to the back of the head. He turns around, glaring at you with the look he uses when he’s really aggravated with his members. You could care less about it though, you just want him to look over you.

“Okay well I’m in middle of feeling like I’m going to throw up.” You bark back, equally as aggravated. Something should have told you this conversion was doomed from the start, “If I was a Monbebe you would rush to me and say some greasy ass pick up line but since I’m your fiancée I’m on the back burner to whatever fan crap you’re doing right now, huh?” 

 

“Then go to the bathroom baby girl, there’s nothing I can really do for you.” He says turning back to his work, “Also this crap I do with the Monbebe’s pays the rent, the groceries, and the utilities. So if you want us have nowhere to lives and nothing to eat, then, let me pretend to care about your gastrointestinal issues instead of doing the things that provide our means of living.”

 

“Pretend to care? Oh okay, I got you. So, you’re telling me you can’t pretend to care enough about me to multitask? You could have brought the laptop, which is mine by the way, over here to the bed and did both things, it’s not hard, you’ve done it before!” You yell but Kihyun isn’t paying you any mind. You feel as if you should be his top priority. Always. Work has always caused rifts in your relationship before, this argument isn’t new, it’s just been retired. 

It hurts because you’ve went out of the way to take care of him before. Like when he stopped eating to prepare for a photo shoot, you hated seeing him so weak that you took off a week from classes to make kihyun stay with you to monitor his eating. It hurts that he can’t stop messaging fans for two seconds to make sure you’re okay.

 

“Moral support isn't going to stop you from throwing up.” When he hears your grumbling, he turns back to face you, “Look I’m almost finish I’m doing adult business right now so could you just wait a few minutes? After I’m done I’ll give you my undivided attention.” 

 

“Adult business? What’s the supposed to mean. Kihyun,I’m an adult too also I think that me being sick should be way more important than some ‘adult’ business.” It was doomed from the start as Kihyun’s frustration rises in octave, you feed from it as if it’s the sweetest nectar.

 

“You just graduated last week. You’re only 21 at that, you’re just barely passing as an adult and guess what? Most adults don’t need their boyfriend to babysit them when they’re sick.”

 

“Babysit? Looking after me must be such a chore?” Your eyes glower with tears but you aren’t one to back off from arguments with Kihyun. It’s a dangerous trait ,” Also you’re not my boyfriend, you’re my fiancé in case that adult work over there made you forget.”

 

“I said I’ll give you my attention when I’m done, why are you being so bitchy today?” he sighs heavily. The insult cuts open a wound you would have never expect Kihyun to open, but alas he isn’t done. Kihyun is a chef, and a chef always salts their food, 

“Right now, I’m wishing I wasn’t anything, you’re starting to piss me off with your complaints. If you have to throw up go to fucking bathroom what the fuck am I supposed to do?” the salt burns more than you’re used to and perhaps because it’s coming from Kihyun and not some random jerk ass punk on the streets.

“Wow Kihyun. Maybe you could start with acting like you give a shit. Also, did you forget who approached who in that airport? Who slid who’s number to who? I’m sorry that these stupid ass fan girls have always held more weight in your life than me. You should marry them then since they’re that important. Y’know I could have been with someone my age, someone better but no you stole my life away. I’m sorry that you’re 24 and you’ve got it all figured out, some of us aren’t as lucky.” You want Kihyun to hurt as much as you do right now. Every word that leaves your mouth is laced with poisoning intent on winning a killing blow.

 

“What the fuck are you going on about now? You’re really saying I stole your life away? Look where the hell we’re at right now? Does this look Korea to you? You’re the one making me fill out your dual citizenship forms because you can’t read hangul something a fucking two-year-old could do. You’re the one who said yes, I didn’t make you, in fact you proposed first. You're the one moving in with me in Korea as if there aren’t millions of other places to live? Why are we here? To say goodbye to your family, okay exactly. Tch, I’m ruining your life, what about mine? You would have been off doing what exactly, if you didn’t have me? Teaching kids English, news flash there’s a hundred people who do the same exact job. Sorry that I made your life a little more interesting.”

 

“Oh, ok I’m sorry Kihyunnie, it’s soooooo fun to watch you go on tour and leave me behind. It’s so interesting waiting for you to get called for deployment. Yes, yes, you’re right, I’d be teaching people like you, who can’t speak English for shit how to form a sentence properly, and guess what I’d be doing something meaningful. Unlike you who fails to realize there’s a hundred people who have a high vocal range, look better, would probably fuck me better, hell are better than Yoo Kihyun. Oh, did I mention there’s a hundred way better, way more popular Monsta X’s too.” You shrug unsympathetic. 

 

Kihyun turns towards you, blinded with anger and hurt. His mind runs through thousands of things to say to hurt you back, take revenge. The two of you have forgotten why you try your best to avoid arguments. You’re both bad tempered and make it a point to hurt the other’s feelings. It’s a bad character trait, something you’ve been working on since childhood, to no avail. 

Kihyun works at it too, asking Shownu what to do when he gets upset with you, works to handle his feelings properly. Nothing else though, nothing changes human nature that was nurtured into you.

 

“Go live your life then. We’re here already, stay in America where majority of the population speaks fuckin’ English. I’m in no way stopping you. You’re the biggest waste of three years, it would be a blessing if you left my life. Right now. We’re done then.”

 

“You know what? Fuck you Kihyun. Fuck this. I’m done. Get out. Get the fuck out. You’re so right, three years my ass, I’m so glad I never have to see you again.” You throw a bag at him and start gathering his clothes, hoping he can’t see the tears building up in your eyes, The way your body trembles. Your arguments have always been this bad, there’s never been a medium. 

 

In the middle of your angry tryst, you double over, throwing up hues of pink and yellow bile. Kihyun is at your side Instantaneously. Although you push him away, he stays soothing your back as you’re back at it for a second and third round. 

Your knees collapse, the wind knocked out of your lungs. You fall, hitting your head on the bed frame unable to control the weakness that takes over your body. “Fuck. Hey?” Kihyun slaps the side of your face repeatedly trying to stop the fluttering of your eyelids into the back of your head.

He notices the streak of blood running down to your paling cheeks and wonders if you’ve concussed or just struck a nerve on the back of your head. Whatever it is has his soul leaving his body in fear and shock. “Come on baby. Don’t do this. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any of that, it was just anger getting to my head. You know I love you. Come on, this isn’t what I wanted.”

 

For the first time in his life Yoo Kihyun feels truly helpless. His English isn’t good enough to call your mom and he doesn’t know the emergency number for this country. Panic sets in behind the tears that well up in his eyes. He knows he needs to do something but the adrenaline makes his mind hazy, he can’t think straight enough to figure out a solution.

 

“Come on baby girl, I love you please. Please please.” Scooping you into his arms, he carries you off to your sister’s room, finally able to work out a viable solution in his head. Although his English is terrible, he knocks on her door, courage mixing with the fear in his blood stream. When she swings open the door, her eyes widen.

 

” Oh my god. What happened?” Kihyun’s forgotten about her lack of Korean and instead focuses on the expressions that cross her face. It’s the best thing he can do to try and communicate with her.

 

” You...you call... help...she...fall.” you sister remembers how you told her that Kihyun’s English is still rocky. He forms syntax as he would in Korean: Lacking vital words to make a proper English sentence, making a question sound like a command. She finally understands what you were saying to her the other day when the two of you were talking about him and she was trying to figure out why he was so shy and quiet around everyone but you.

 

” Can you follow me?” she mimics driving and Kihyun nod. You mumble something under your breath, something that sounds like “I just want to lay down and sleep’, which freaks him out even more. 

 

“No.” Kihyun chants, holding you closer. He’s never felt this panicked in his life, he can’t lose you, not when the last words you exchanged were a series of curses and a breakup. 

 

When the three of you get in the car Kihyun places you in the back seat and climbs in next to you. Your head is on his lap, his hands running through your kinky curls as you sister dives you to the emergency room.

 

He’s never realized how fast karma worked until this moment.


	3. The ugly side of love:Mistakes (p2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: masochism, biting, choking, slapping, name calling, dirty talk, daddy kink, restraint kink, Dom/sub
> 
> A/n: okay so this definitely got outta hand fast. 
> 
> (a/s/n: sorry for the errors, I’m not doing too well…sorry)

"Are you stupid?" Kihyun yells, raking his hands through his hair. The stress is written into the wrinkles of his face, grey hairs beginning shine through hair dye. With every second it took you to wake up mania crept its way into his blood stream. He's aged 50years in 50 minutes, “What possessed you to not eat? What’s wrong with you?”

You want to snap back ‘the same thing that possesses you to stop eating sometimes.’ But you don’t have the energy. 

"Kihyun please not now. My head hurts." You drone, massaging your temples. Your hands shake from anxiety or maybe from the IV drip, you can't really tell. 

Kihyun stares at you, noticing the quivering of your lip, the way your eyes glaze over when the light shines on them just right, it makes him angrier at himself, at you, “You're lucky you didn't get a concussion." His rant continues despite your protest. It's moments like this when you can see why Monsta x has so tenderly taken to giving him the name 'mother'

However, Kihyun has weak moment too. He's known to be a crybaby, a complainer, a worrywart, these are the things that make you love him though, his human side, his vulnerabilities, the sense of responsibility you feel from soothing him when he gets too worked up

But kihyun hates it, doesn't want to be weak, doesn't want to seem soft, doesn't want to let you down for being so...himself. He wants to be strong for you, a rock, so when things become too much you'll run to him.

He doesn't face you while he's yelling not wanting you to see the redness of his eyes, the puffiness of his face, the swelling of his lips. He doesn't think he could stomach you seeing how despondent he looked. Despondency isn't the man you're going to marry, so kihyun won't allow you to meet him. 

"Kihyun please... I just want to rest. My head hurts I want to sleep." His lip sinks into his bottom teeth, chewing on the plushy skin. He wants to tell you not to close your eyes again because he's scared, "Why do you care anyways? You made it pretty clear that you didn't at home?”

Kihyun turns around to face you, throwing weakness to the wind, letting you see how much of an affect you cause, "I was dumb...I've just been having a really rough week and I lost it. If something happened to you I wouldn't be able to live. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you, maybe we coulda stopped this." 

"It's fine Kihyun. I shoulda waited for you to finish. I'm sorry too baby boy. But'll only forgive you if you kiss me okay?" He notes how sly you are, how greasy you can be during situations like this. He also notes that you only do things like this when you know he's feeling upset. Your compassion always makes him remember why he choose you.

Kihyun grins, walking over and pressing his lips to yours. He thinks he may die from this feeling, the euphoria that courses through his veins. Fisting your hands into his hair, you deepen the kiss. When he pulls away you scoot over so he can join you on the bed. His head takes shelter in your neck while you hold him. The time on the television across the room reads 12am, the next day, making you wonder how long you've been out for.

 

"You okay?" you ask him, eyes focused on the cartoons playing on tv not wanting to stress him out more. He nods softly, breath evening out indicating sleep over taking him. 

Your hands stroke his head softly while kissing his forehead and poking at his cheeks. You've forgotten how fat they were, how much you loved to press kisses on them when he does something that excites you. Kihyun hates it though, embarrassed by the attention you show his face when you're out in public and all he wants to afford you is a held hand.

"Why were you skipping meals again?" this isn't the first time Kihyun's caught you in your bad habit: when studying for exams in college you'd go days without eating or drinking anything. So, no this isn't the first time you've been caught missing meals, it's the first time you've gotten hurt over it.

"It's all this paperwork and trying to figure out how I'm gonna get my stuff to Korea and then I'm trying to really learn Hangul because I can only speak Korean not read. I've been in Korea since you debuted and I've made zero progress in college I had to request my assignment be translated ...Do you really want an illiterate wife? You know how I am Ki, I just get so caught up in things that are way more important than eating." 

These are the dark parts that Kihyun wishes he could string out of you. He's come to realize that skipping meals to complete important task is a way of life for you. He does the same, but watching you do it kills him “Nothing is more important than taking care of yourself, forget all that paperwork and moving, and reading. I can handle those things, we're a team you should rely on me sometimes. Sheesh, I thought I was marring someone smart." 

"I'm not marrying you, I'm marrying Yoo Kihyun. He's amazing, and talented, and he makes the best food." You laugh, sticking your tongue out. 

"So, you've been cheating on me with him huh?" Kihyun loves this little game you play. For whatever reason, it always manages to excite him. 

"Yeah. Sorry, I love him." Kihyun raises an eyebrow at you suggestively and you face palm him. He snatches your hand from his face running each finger pad over his lips, pressing gently kisses on them. You breathe in and out, focusing on the way his lips feel against your skin. 

"But I love you." When he leans in for a kiss you dramatically avoid him. Prompting him to hold both sides of your face so he can kiss you. You fall, loving the plush of his lips, the warmness, the sweetness of him against you.

"I love you too Kihyun. So much." your eyes meet and for a moment it's as if you could see every aspect of your future with him. How happy he makes you, how he does everything to fill your soul with happiness, "I'm sorry."

"We're a team princess. You should trust me to take care of you sometimes. You don't have to be strong for me, I've already seen your best and your worst."

"You're my worst." sticking your tongue, you tease him. The smile he gives you is light enough to make you feel like you're floating. 

"You're my best though." He whispers in your ear, kissing the side of your neck, lower bottom corner, the side he kisses when he wants to start something.

"Kihyun..." you whine, "Why do you always have to be such a grease ball, now I feel like shit." He chases your lips, shrugging. 

~~~

When you get home around 12pm the next day, the first thing you want to do is shower. Annoyed with your mother's nagging and plagued by Kihyun's wondering hands, you need some sort of median. 

Kihyun, meanwhile, has been upset and touchy since the nurse said he couldn't lay with you anymore. Apparently, there were some complaints of moaning and the hospital wanted to avoid that type of inappropriateness. It's not as though you were having sex but he did have his lips pressed to your neck and his tongue down your throat.

"How long are you going to be mad." You ask, washing your face with the cleanser, "It's not as if we don't live together or you have to travel hours to see me." When you're finished, you wrap your arms around his waist sneaking him from behind. 

"I'm not upset." He whines as you press kisses to the nape of his neck. Your hands wonder up his sides, sliding the extra-large t-shirt he's wear off, "I just feel like nurses should be required to knock, what if I was undressing you because you needed help?" 

"Undressing me in the open Ki? And not the bathroom? I don't think the nurse was very satisfied with the placement of your hands either. " your eyebrow raises, questioning his logic. The glare he gives you shuts you up but you snigger quietly when he looks away. 

"Only a few more days here and we're back to Korea." Whispering his ear, your hands run across his stomach, ghosting the hangul of your Korean name and his. (See you know at least the basics) He inhales sharply, the feeling of your hands on him makes him dizzy, "And then I can have you when I want, where I want." 

"You should stop." Kihyun's voice is low, hungry, wanting you so badly that he thinks if he should wait any longer he might lose control. Spinning you around, his grip rest at your hips, sliding off the leggings and t-shirt you wore to the hospital. 

"What if I don't want to?" Keeping your eyes on him, you move to start the shower. It's tightly packed, and the glass is stained enough so that no one can clearly see what you may get into. 

"Don't start something you can't finish princess." He warns, undressing and stepping onto the shower, you're after him locking lips with him as soon as the water hits your skin. 

Kihyun's teeth pull at your bottom lip as he holds you close to him, occasionally you break away to exchange and correct hair products and wash the filth off your skin. Kihyun likes to sneak your cowash sometimes, whining about how much softer it makes his hair when your get on him about the expenses of shipping natural hair care across seas.

Your fingers run the bar of soap across his tight stomach and devolving abs, making him hiss. His stomach has always been sensitive, a weakness you use whenever you want to play around with him. Although doing so always gets you into a lot of trouble, "I warned you." Are the last three words you can recall before he's nibbling at your lips, pushing his tongue into your mouth to invade and conqueror. You don't even put up a fight.

"Hurt me Kihyun...Please?" You whimper, sliding your tongue back into his mouth. Kihyun's fingers find your folds, clit, and alternate between finger fucking you and stroking your clit. 

"Baby there's not much I can do in the shower." his kisses at your neck again, careful not leave a mark for your family to see. He does however place them in less conspicuous places though: along the valley of your breast, the smalls of your forearm, the lower pit of your stomach. Kihyun's lips work so fast you're dizzy, "Besides I just want to fuck you right now. I can choke you later." 

"Okay." Your breath hitches when Kihyun lifts you up. The look in his eyes occupying your full attention. Your back presses again the wall and legs wrap around his waist, helping him support your weight.

"Kiahh." Your lip sinks between your teeth at the sensation of Kihyun easing into you and warm water pooling at your stomach. His pulls are slow and exaggerated, dragging against the slickness of your walls to make you suffer. When he forces himself back into you, it's with enough passion to make a poet reconsider himself.

"My baby." He groans, lips pressed to your breast, running his tongue over your nipples. He's teasing you and you're aware of it. It makes you claw at him, whimper, scratch at his skin in an attempt for him to stop teasing you and fuck you correctly.

"Say my name." Kihyun's palm stings your face hard enough to bring tears of pleasure to your eyes," I know taught you manners? When you want something from me use your fucking words, none of that pathetic shit you do to beg for attention. You're so bold yet you can't even ask me to fuck you how you want? How pathetic." The second slap makes you want to test him, let him make you taste more of his sweet sinful violence. You fiend for it.

"I haven't had manners since the first time you had your cock down my throat, daddy." You tease, hoping your voice doesn't sound any weaker than he's making you feel. The smirk that runs across his face intrigues you. Kihyun reaches behind you, feeling for the shower pin to turn it off.

"You're right baby girl. I've forgotten how bratty you are." He licks his lips, sliding out of you and setting you down. His dick flings against his stomach with a loud smack, burning the area with redness, "That's my fault though, I've been spoiling you way too much."

He grabs at you before you can exhale, forcing an arm down your back and your head downwards. Your teeth nearly collide with the sink bowl Kihyun slams you against the skin counter so brusquely, "Don't worry baby, I've got the panacea for girls like you. Keep your eyes on that mirror. Don't make me hurt you anymore than I want to." You see him walk out the room from the reflection of the mirror. Your hips flex, desperate for the attention Kihyun was giving you moments ago. You need him inside you again so you start to whine, loudly, knowing it'll agitate him. 

"You love to work my nerves baby girl don't you." When Kihyun comes back you aren't speared a second before your kinky textured hair is wrapped around his fist like a snake. Yanking your head back, he forces eye contact. You have to stop yourself from licking your lips at the aggravation that drips off his face is like honey, "You're getting too reckless my love."

My love. Kihyun only used the sweetest of sobriquets when he knows he's going to do some real damage. It's like he's apologizing in advance, "What's your safe word?" You verify with him through shaky breaths as he runs the pin of the belt against your clit. You figure that's why he left the room.

"Remember to count sweet heart." The first five he gives you are love taps. Nothing like the usual brutalizing Kihyun rewards you with. That's when you start feeling cocky, teasing him by mentioning how someone as muscular as Shownu or Wonho could fuck you up way better than him. You know he hates it, another man's name flying from your lips to be used as an aggressor. So, he ups the ante, lashing out on your ass, making you call his name like a summon. 

"Safe word?" he asks.

"No, I'm okay." you sob, hiding your face in the crook of your elbow, angering Kihyun who yanks your head up so you can stare at yourself through burry tears.

"Such a good girl. So perfect. So beautiful. So mine." He drops to his knees, burying his head in your folds, running his tongue in long stripes along your slit. It's the antidote for the stings that kiss your ass with their pain. 

"When I come up your eyes better be on that mirror." You can feel how hard he is against your swollen clit. Your body aches for him to be inside of you. He isn't though and he's not in any haste to be either, his lips pepper kisses along your spine making you squirm in his grip. 

"Kihyun please." He notes the dried tear streak and the puffiness of your eyes. You look so edible to him, so delectable, he can't get enough of your pretty crying face. 

“Kihyun?" he repeats, lifting an eyebrow, running the fabric of the belt along your skin before whacking you again.

"Daddy! Daddy please." The fix in error lands you with your hands forced behind your back and the belt tying them in place. His version of a reward.

"My good girl." He runs a hand through his hair, eager to get into you again, "I see you've learned your lesson." Through chuckles he's forcing the head of his cock into you, pulling it out slowly and then pushing it back in. Only the head though. 

Your brattiness is the boon of Kihyun's day, your spoiledness gives him an actual reason for being called eomma so affectionately. So, when your whining at him for teasing again, it's his own Aloe Vera, his Robitussin, Vicks vapor rub, penicillin. 

"Alright Alright." he starts jutting his hips into yours, that's when you start crying out for more. He watches your reaction with every thrust in the mirror, watches how your eyes roll back into your head, watches the bit of drool that dribbles out of the corner of your mouth, watches how your lips stay forever parted. You already looked completely fucked out and he's just started. 

"Fuck you're so loud. This is why I can't fuck you in public." 

"You've fucked me in the airport bathroom before Ki." You remind him. He covers your mouth, shushing you and grabbing on to your hips so he can fuck you harder, faster. 

"Worse idea ever. “The sensation has you squeezing around his cock. He knows your coming when your eyes shut. Kihyun holds you still letting you regain at least partial conscious before pulling himself out of you. 

"Good girl." He moans, handing wrapped around his cock, pumping himself until he's shooting his seed against your cunt, watching it run down your legs before he unties your hands and hoist you up on the sink.

"You're so it." He pecks at your lips but you don't kiss back, in fact you avoid the kiss all together, stopping him by pressing your hands against his chest. 

"Kihyun can you give me a minute to clean up. We kinda...need to talk..." The shift in your tone has him a little worried but he doesn't show it. 

Honestly, he's had enough stress for today so he just kisses your forehead and closes the door behind him.


	4. Arguments, then agreements,then arguments again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some fucking angst cause why the not

“What do you mean you got it removed?” Kihyun paces around the room, arms crossed, eyebrows threaded tightly together, “I thought we were gonna go together?”

 

“We were...but I started watching videos of the removal process and I didn’t want you to see me with my arm sliced open like that...” You look down, playing with your fingers nervously. Kihyun looks upset which scares you.

 

“And you didn’t get it put back in?” You shake your head no, staring down at the floor, “So you could already be pregnant ?” 

 

“Maybe...I meant to tell you earlier I just didn’t know how to bring it up...” your words are mumbled through the vicious chewing of your lip,”there’s emergency contraceptives we can use to make sure I don’t get pregnant this go, but if I’m already pregnant there isn’t much I can OTC wise...” Kihyun sighs. You can understand why he would be upset a child isn’t just your choice nor your responsibility, it’s his too.

 

“Would you want it if I was?” You ask, “I mean a baby...”

 

“I don’t know...” the honesty of his answer scares you. You sink down on the floor with him, unexpectedly being pulled into a hug on the way down. The boy holds you tightly, as if he was trying to protect you from the world. You take comfort in it though, knowing that Kihyun would fight for you and maybe this child that you may or may not be carrying in your womb.

 

“Would you want to get rid of it?”

 

“I don’t know. You have to give me some time to think about these things.” He strokes your cheek noticing it’s covered in anxiety and tears, “Do you want to get a Plan B? It’s up to you.”

 

Taking your lips between your teeth, you chew on it trying to decide. Kihyun pulls your lip from your teeth before pressing a small kiss to it,”Don’t do that, you’re going to chew your lip raw.” He lectures. His eyebrows tie together as he studied your features, he hates how scared you look,”Let’s get a pregnancy test when we get back home tomorrow okay?”

 

“Do you think it’ll make me a murderer if I choose to take the Plan B. “ he raises his eyebrows, amused at your question.

 

“What are you murdering ? .” You can hear him chuckles at your ignorance.

 

“Well I never had to take one before because I usually don’t let my boyfriends raw me without being on birth control.”

 

“Well you’re not the first girl I’ve had this talk with. I was risky before I met you.” He admits. Kihyun doesn’t get into his past a lot but you know he definitely wasn’t a Charlie’s angel. You’ve heard about his scandal, in fact it’s the first thing that comes up when you google his name.

 

Kihyun’s never been abusive to you though, never laid a finger on you unless you wanted him too, “Ah so you have a child out in the world somewhere!” You ask, eye brows raised. It’s a joke but Kihyun’s response is serious.

 

“No...she didn’t keep it.” his eyes are downcast and you’re about to offer condolences when Kihyun cuts you off, “We should pack so we don’t miss our early morning flight tomorrow.” 

 

He smiles at you but it’s the smile he does when he’s bothered, “Yoo Kihyun.” You grab his hand, pulling him back towards you as he had gotten up from his spot leaving your back to the icy chill of the bed frame 

 

“Huh?” He looks back at you puzzled by your sudden urge to grip at his hand,”Love you.” You stand up and press a kiss to his lips. Arms wrap around you as he pulls you closer to him, deepening the kiss.

“Love you too wifey.” blushing, you push him away. He’s always so sly. 

 

~~~

 

“So glad to be back in Korea.” Kihyun smiles dropping your suitcases off the on the living room floor. Someway some how you ended up getting a piggy back ride from Kihyun back up to your apartment. He struggled a bit but refused to put you down, embarrassing you on the streets of Korea. 

 

“Yeah...” you mumble sleepily. He knows you’re exhausted, especially with the emotional goodbyes you left with your family back in the States. He thought that it was sad that you had to leave your family but he would have been even sadder if you hadn’t come back to korea with him.

 

"C'mon baby, I'm going to drop you on the couch so you can rest. I'll be back okay, I need to meet up with the guys for some stuff." He pokes your cheek. You don't want him to go, you want him to stay and cuddle long enough for the jetlag to wear off.

Kihyun chuckles, pressing a kiss against your lips,"Don't you want to watch Monsta X-ray? I can't film if I'm here Y'know." It’s a lie but he hopes you don’t notice. Kihyun nuzzles your nose, letting a stray hand travel to your tummy. 

You're not as small as Korean girls, your body has a shape that only girls of your skin color have. He loves that about you or how you used to do aegyo when you wanted something from her. He misses how simple your relationship used to be. 

"Mm. Just go, I'll be here." The sleep in your voice has kihyun kissing you again. Over and over until his tongue slides into your mouth, jolting you awake, “Fuck Ki...”

 

"I-I'm sorry, I just...being here...we...our apartment...I've missed it being just us." Kihyun has always been bashful especially when he does something on a whim. You've had to push him to take big jumps and speak his mind. You've watched him grow up but you've also watched him go downhill. 

You’ve watched the muscular man that first approached you wither into feather weight. However you’ve also watched a shy boy become bold enough to tell you he loves you in front of every member of the production staff, every Monsta x member, and almost during an interview.

But he's never confirmed that he was dating anyone during interviews. 

He's dropped hints by speaking on hickies he's had to explain to the production crew, or why his lips look particularly swollen on a certain day. But he's been strict on everyone who works with Monsta x or IS Monsta x to never let it slip that you're dating. It's been like this for years. He even keeps his face covered if he takes you out to a well known area. 

“ Hyunnie, I'll be here. Go" You push his face away from your neck, His hands away from your waist line, "Promise. Go so I can sleep."

~~~

 

"Hyung." Kihyun never ask for advice but he pulls Shownu and Minhyuk aside for once in his life to put aside pride and beg for help. 

He'll ask the Hoobaes later but for right now he just needs his hyungs. He doesn't know where to start, but he talks until he's realized that he's said everything there is.

"Don't you think you should’ve been more careful?" Minhyuk raises an eyebrow as Kihyun tucks his lip between his teeth. He knows he should have been more aware since you told him you were getting ‘it’ out. But is it wrong that he feels deceived and angry and kind of hurt?

"I'm angry." He says. It's quiet but the rooms aren't big enough to hide a secret. They know this from experience, “Shouldn’t I have had a say on whether I was ready for it to be removed." 

"No, you weren't the one who had to take the birth control. She didn't even really need to tell you she was getting it removed. It's not like you were trapped Kihyun. You made that choice to have unprotected sex regardless of the fact of birth control." Shownu has always been more responsible, more aware of things in the world. It's no surprised he waited so long before jumping into a relationship with someone.

 

"I know, I just wasn't ready to have to be careful again." Kihyun realizes how selfish he is, but his selfishness is just coated fear. Fear that he'll mess up somehow, chase you away, ruin everything. Suddenly the fact that you're getting married in a year punches him in the gut and so does the fact that he isn't ready for any of this...for real life. 

"What do you want Kihyun? You owe it to yourself and to your fiancée to know." Minhyuk tells him. 

"I want to move back into the dorms." The only one more surprised than his Sunbaes is him himself.

~~

 

"Hey." Kihyun's heart is heavy with the fact that he wants to run away, that he wasn't strong enough to be happy that you may be carrying his child. The he never once let his family, the media, or anyone outside of close contact know how in love with you he is...or thought he was. 

"Hey Ki. I made coconut curry and rice if you're hungry, it's on the stove." he looks at the way you’re so well rested from the couch, so carefree and he wonders if he still loves you anymore.

"I bought you a Plan B and a pregnancy test. You don't have to take them if you don't want to though." The shift in Kihyun's mood makes you raise an eyebrow at him. He's usually more energetic than this.

"Okay thanks... I mean I already got one but I guess it never hurt to check again and have an extra life y'know?" Winking at him, you sit up and motion for him to join you for cuddles, "Why're you just standing there Ki, Come here."

"I don't know if I want this anymore..." the statement has you so thrown off that you can't think of a response, "I’m going to move back into the dorms."

"What are you talki...saying? You were just making out with me a couple hours ago now you don't know if want this anymore? Is this a joke to you, am I joke to you?”

"What did the test say when you took it?" He dodges the question. You get up ,walking toward him. There’s a flash of anger in your eyes, but Kihyun only notices how you’ve got on one of his extra large sweaters and a part of knee highs. He stills loves every aspect of you, he just can’t bare to know that he’ll miss this up, because he will, he always does..

"I asked you a question Yoo Kihyun. What does that mean, so you're just going to walk out after three years because you don't know anymore?”

"Don't I have the right to do so? We're not married.” His answer is like a shock to your system and at this point you don’t have a defense. 

“You’re right. Do what you want just make sure you pay your half of the rent because your name is still on the lease.” 

Your words are final as you sit down on the couch resuming your show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha so I want my readers to choose the outcome! Please be sure to message melt comment below.
> 
> Is she pregnant or nah?  
> Did they break up or nah?❤️ 


	5. There's no Oui without you and I.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: angst because suffer with me. Suggested abortions. If you spot the Monster Woo reference shout me out 

You think he’s gone for no more than two weeks before he comes back an apology tucked between his teeth like a rose given to a pretty girl on a telenovela. It’s ignored, as is his presence.  
You make separate meals, wash only your clothes, use the bathroom locked, and even leave the bedroom if he tries to lay with you. Lately the pullout couch in the study seems like more of your home rather than a temporary shelter from Monster Yoo. 

“Where are you going dressed like that?” Kihyun scrutinizes you, assessing the outfit you have on, “You can be upset with me all you want but we’re still in a relationship.” Your intentions are clearly to hurt him, he’s known you way too long to not know this game of cat and mouse. It’s something you use as a last resort, that usually fails when the argument goes left and your intentions are usually to get him to fuck you into the mattress, so you can tease him later for losing the argument, a loss he gladly takes. 

However, that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Lately he’s notice that you seem focus on hurting him back because you have no idea what do with all that anger. Anger from sleeping alone, eating alone, anger from him walking out on you when he found out you may be pregnant. Anger from his word usage. The anger is understandable but not like this…

“Mm I don’t know if I want this anymore.” You recite his words, trying to bypass him. Kihyun blocks you, holding your arms down at your side when you make the move to push him out of the way.

“Don’t be a brat.” It’s a warning, a warning that has no value you to you as you stick out your tongue at him, childishly. He knows you’re hurt but going out clubbing with your friends while your potentially pregnant with his child isn’t a move you should be making.

“Move.” He refuses though, cupping your face. As much as you want to push him away, you lean into his touch, just a brief second. In that same second, Kihyun can see how he’s broken your heart with such cruel words, such inconsiderance.

I'm sorry." His apologies mean nothing to you, right now you feel as if you're the cat knocking the glass jar with every apology he’s saved off the table. Once again you push past Kihyun who tries to hook an arm around your waist, you dodge leaving the apartment with haste, hoping that he won't come after you.

The night out with your girls takes your mind off a lot of things, like the fact you never told Kihyun what the test results are; even though he was an asshole, he deserves to know. Your girls tell you to get him out your mind, dance with someone else, toast up with them like Beyoncé did in Lemonade but you can’t when Kihyun is shoving 4:44 down your throat.

Kihyun is your heartbreak and your panacea. You’ll only feel better by making things right between you two, but you can’t. He hurt you, he stabbed your heart with the same dagger Brutus used on Caesar.  
The Chumchurum keeps coming, hitting your throat burning you a little bit less than Kihyun’s Declaration of Independence because you are Europe sending the troops over to deal with his bullshit. It’s a nice feeling to escape or was until you friend puts her hand on your shoulder telling you that “You’re done for the night.”

You can’t help but scowl at her or at least try to scowl, you’re so drunk you’re not sure what your face is doing, “I’m fine. Let me drink.” You tell her. She sucks her teeth, moving her hand away and letting you fish cash out of your wallet until you’re broke. 

Your friends chase men away from you all night, making sure you’re not taken advantage of. They’re sad to see you like this especially when they drop you off back home and see the worried look on Kihyun’s face.

“Thank you.” He can’t thank them enough as he whisks you away to your shared bedroom. 

“You’re an idiot.” He sucks his teeth, watching you play with your fingers while he awkwardly lays next to you, pulling you into his arms. He feels wrong for taking advantage of your drunken state, but he knows this may be the only time he gets to hold you in his arms. 

You’re so drunk that you probably don’t notice the way you snuggle into your embrace, “I miss you.” 

“You’re drunk.” He can literally smell it leaking from your pores but if you're safe it’s fine. Until he thinks of the fact that you could be holding his child in your womb, then it makes him angry. It hurts him that you would risk his child’s life to...get away from him, but then it makes him angry.

“I know.” You cry. He wants to cry too, but he’s frozen in limbo cycling between hurt and anger. Anger at your stupidity and inability to realize your actions affect him and hurt knowing you’d poison yourself to get away from him. How much did you hate him? How much did what he said hurt you? 

~~

“Good morning.” He whispers softly, kissing your ear. You’re too hungover to move his face away from you so you just let him do what he wants, “There’s an aspirin and some water on the table. I’ve never been hungover before, but I looked it up and it said this would help.”

“Thanks.” Your voice is horse and your throat aches, so you don't say a lot. When you sit up to drink the water Kihyun pulls you into a hug, holding you hostage in his arm. It feels so much like home that you almost fall into his trap, but your anger is stronger than the love you feel for him and that’s too dangerous of a sentiment.

There’s nothing to be said but you know he was worried about you. You can tell by the way he tightens his grip on your body, “Kihyun I’m fine. You’re showing me too much affection.” 

“What am I supposed to do? You were so drunk that you could barely move, and you cried the whole night.”

“Do what you did when you told me you didn’t want to be with me anymore. Leave.” You’re still bitter, still hurt. He’s quiet, letting you go so you can down the aspirin. This isn’t something that’ll go away because you drunkenly cuddled with him. He wishes love were that simple, but emotions are complex. 

“Can we talk about it? Please I hate this. I miss you sleeping next me. I miss cooking breakfast with you, showering with you, coming home to you kissing my cheek.” He grabs your arm as you get up to leave, “Please...?” 

“Fine. Speak.” You say simply. Your hurt is righteously coated in your anger, so you think because it doesn’t make sense how someone who wanted to marry you can just stopped wanting to be with you because of a baby.

“I only said that stuff because I was scared. Nothing in this world could make me leave you or stop loving you. I know I hurt you because I always tell you that and, in that moment, I broke your heart with my words, I’m sorry.” 

“You’re a jerk.” You pout. In that moment, it feels like everything turns around for the best and that’ll you will be able to move on from this, but you won’t. And knowing that you won’t, lets you play your next moves on the chess board “And I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to forgive you and move on because you really hurt me, but I still love you Kihyun.” 

“I still love you too.” He stands up to hug you, pecking your lips softly. You kiss him back, and it makes your heart fawn a bit. That’s how you know you still love him because your heart still jumps at every bit of his touch, you still melt at his words, but that feeling is tainted by an anger that your heart can’t let go.

“Kihyun.” You breathe, “We’ll be okay. We’ll get through this because we’re strong, but you really hurt me deeply and I just need some time...alone.” the words come from your throat, choked. 

“What’s time alone? I don’t want to lose you. I know I messed up badly, but I don’t want you to go.” 

“Kihyun I have to be away from you. The sight of you literally disgust me and if I’m here I’ll never be able to move on from the moment.” It’s something you’ve been thinking about since you came back, how to get away from this hurt in your chest when you stare at in the face all day long. You can’t. You need to be away for the sake of the child that want to nurture itself in your womb, for the sake of not falling out of love with Yoo Kihyun, for the sake of this ever working again.

“You gave me the ultimatum. Y’know even if you didn’t say it, the statement was: ‘since your pregnant I don’t love you anymore.’ And I can’t be with someone who only loves me conditionally.” 

“Please don’t do this. You know how we are when we fight…I’m so sorry. I was stupid, I messed up please don’t go.” His grip on your arm is unintentionally tight.

“Please.” He hurts like a child who gets a shot for the first time: panicked hurt, ‘I’m afraid’ hurt, ‘it really fucking hurts’ hurt. It’s selfish to want you to stay after he ran with the intention of leaving you with a belly full of his kid but you’re all he’s know. There’s no room to love someone like he loves you all over again.

“Go stay at the dorms with the guys. It’ll make you feel better.” Kihyun never cries. He’s sensitive, that much you’re aware of, but his sensitivity comes with the naturally soft thick skin so when you see the redness of his eyes, nose, the glossiness that peaks out the corner it makes you even more certain that this is the best for the both of you. 

“Please.” His voice is as soft as a lullaby. It’s a final plea meant to break your heart in enough ways that you’ll reconsider staying with him. But making you stay is only to ebb away at his own guilt, be his own repentance. He won’t forgive himself if you’re in his view every day because he’ll remind himself every day of the way he hurt you and what he said, and you can’t have the one you conscious−

“Kihyun it’s because I love you that I have to do this.” You break contact turning away, so you don’t have to see the tears the rivulet down his face so elegantly that it makes your instincts kick into overdrive and you fall down the rabbit hole after building up enough willpower to climb out.

“But-.” The more he bargains the more your defense crumbles into shambles of dust and then the shambles of that. Then you remember how he hurt you and how you wish misfortune onto someone you were so in love with that you would have given your life. You don’t want to be bitter, but poison has been spilt into your blood stream and sitting around waiting for someone to cure you isn’t going to cure you, it will kill you. You need to get away from both your strength and your kryptonite.

“But nothing.” 

 

_____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: yes, that was a break up. Officially.


	6. Chapter 6

Beautiful

Warnings: mild degradation 

(A/N: listen to Garden by SZA while reading this.) 

~~~~

 

Your mom tells you almost every day that both you and Kihyun are stupid. She thinks you’re stupid for expecting a man with such an esteemed career to not be scared and say something dumb when you told him you may be pregnant. Then she says Kihyun’s stupid for not preparing for this possibility as birth control isn’t 100% efficient either. 

You think she doesn’t understand the dynamic between you two. So, she asks if you miss him and you tell her every day you want to run back into his arms and kiss him, but you keep flashing back to the words he said and the actions he took.

So, she tells you to pray for forgiveness on both ends but you scold her because you think that God didn’t have a hand in your downfall. Maybe it may be best that two of you have some time apart because perhaps you were growing too close for comfort. 

But it hurts that he doesn’t text you as he respects your space. You contemplate texting him as a friend. There’s a two-day gap before you lose your mind and hit send on an “Imu” Text and instantly regret it. 

You can’t go back on your word like that, take advantage of him to ebb away at your own loneliness. He texts back too quick for comfort telling you that he’s at a photo shoot, but he misses you too.

Then he snaps you, the rest of Monsta x in the background goofing off. You snap him back a photo of you laying in the bed in a shirt he left here accidentally. It earns you a scolding to which you laugh and respond that he shouldn’t leave his shirts in your home in America.

That feeling in your chest when you text Kihyun makes you feel like you’re falling in love all over again, makes you feel like he’s sliding you his number and texting you for the first time all over again.

You can’t help it. Your heart hurts but you love him too much to see him with someone else, but you love yourself too much to remain in a place that causes you disdain.

When you fall asleep every night that week Kihyun text your goodnight and that he hopes your happy and healing well. On the seventh night you tell him you’re not pregnant. Both test came back negative and honestly it tore you apart from inside out. Then you ask him if that news made him happy. He tells you that’s never what he wanted. He would have been there regardless, he just reacted before he acted.

You feel bold, so you FaceTime him. You’ve forgotten how he looks when he’s sleepy and you apologize for waking him to which he bades you stay on the phone. 

~~

Your mom asks you if you’ve lost brain cells three weeks into your constant flirting with him. She tells you if the two of you have been flirting for a month then obviously there’s no reason to prolong the inevitable. She tells, you to go home and you tell her you are. Then she says, ‘home to the man you’re so in love with that you haven’t put down your phone for a week.’

You tell her you’re too scared because although you’re starting to feel better you don’t know how you’ll feel when you see him. Once again, she tells you to stop being stupid and go home. You tell her you are home…again. 

It takes you venting to him one night about how hard it is to readjust to using a public restroom without a bidet before he finally tells you he loves you for the first time in a while, that he hopes you’re happy. After that you don’t hear from him anymore.

It makes your heart hurt. With every good morning text there’s no response. It’s like this for a week. So, you worry. You tell your mom and she ask what you want to do. You cry because you’re worried sick about him as he has a bad habit of harming himself by not eating for the sake of looking ‘beautiful.’

She asks you what you want to do again, and you buy the next available one way to Korea because it’s been almost two and a half months since you’ve seen him.

It’s weird walking through the airport alone, having to take a cab through the city throws you off too. Your luggage feels heavy as you walk through the door of your apartment complex. Your chest feels heavy too. You can tell he’s been keeping it up because it looks nice and tidy, the plants look hearty, and there’s some new photographs hanging in the living room.

Your heart can’t take how badly you feel like you’ve messed things up. So, you run to the bedroom, throwing yourself on the bed, tears streaming your down your face. You don’t expect to knock the living shit out of yourself when you land on the bed. 

“The fuck is your problem? I told you about body slamming yourself on the bed the last time this happened.” It’s Kihyun, holding his head, sitting up glaring at you. Seeing him makes you sob harder. He rolls his eyes, nursing the area before pulls your hands away from your face.

“How did you know it was me?” You ask through broken sobs. He thinks that’s the dumbest question you’ve ever asked him.

“No one else has a copy of the key.” Rolling his eyes, he wipes your tears away, “You’re back in Korea?” His voice is softer this time as you can only nod your head like a child. 

“Are you back for me or...?” He asks. He thinks the red undertones against your brown skin look so cute. The way your face is swollen up and your eyes look like glass makes his heart swell.

You nod, and he laughs quietly. There’s so much tension in the room that two of you can’t help it. He kisses you, soft at first then you’re grabbing at each other, touching and holding one and other to make sure it’s real. 

“What took you so long idiot? I thought you loved me?” He laughs but there’s tears glossing up in the corner of his eyes. He’s missed you so much that he thinks he’s dreaming.

“I was scared that I hated you.” You laugh stupidly. Your heart would never let you hate him, “Where did you go? Why did you stop texting me?”

“Obviously you didn’t check Naver. I told you they stopped paying for international texting because I was costing too much.” He scowls before pecking your lips. 

“You could have snapped me or used Kakaotalk, you asshole. Why were you emailing me? Is this the sixties?” You facepalm him to which he catches you hand and kisses each of your fingertips. 

“I’m sorry I worried you.” He smiles at the way you ran back here at the thought of something bad happening to him. Even though you were mad you dropped everything and 8 hours later you were busting in here ready to track him down again, albeit through tears.

“Will you marry me again?” The two of you say it at the same time and you both laugh. Kihyun kisses you, pulling you into his arms. He’s so warm and you make yourself well acquainted with the way Kihyun sleeps naked. 

“I’ll say yes if you put a shirt on.” He kisses at your neck, sucking on it occasionally. You moan for him to stop playing around but then he flips you on your back.

“No.” He smirks. You pull him in for a kiss, locking lips as he struggles to get your clothes off. Then he’s at your neck again before biting at your collarbone and sucking a mark onto your chest. 

“It’s really gross to sleep naked. What if I was a murderer? Are you going to fight me with your dick out orrr?” He shuts you up by sucking your nipple into his mouth. Letting his tongue circle the top, your hands wonder downwards until your cupping his balls. 

“Fuck.” He swears when you tug gently and then go back up to stroke him. He hates how you tease but his fingers spread you open and dance along the head of your clit as revenge. 

“Oh...oh! Oh my god.” Biting your lips, losing the focus of what you were doing especially when his fingers enter you. He’s brutal, fucking you open until you’re wet enough that you can hear the echoing of your walls around the room. 

“Pathetic.” When you flood his fingers, he teases you with it. Showing you how much of a mess you’ve made before shoving his fingers into his mouth and then yours. 

“I’m only like that cause I-it’s been a long time.” You defend, legs quivering at the sight of Kihyun laying on his stomach. His tongue works fast, licking quick long stripes up your cunt. 

“You’ve always been like this. I don’t like liars.” You can’t help but pull at his hair and throw your legs on each of his shoulders with the way he’s working you. He sucks at your clit, tongue occasionally swiping across the sensitive nub. You think you may drown him if he keeps going but he doesn’t care, especially when your body starts shaking again and your lips can’t seem to stop parting enough to say his name.

“Ki...please.” Whining gets you nowhere with him. His assault is relentless, and it isn’t until he comes back up to kiss you that you get your revenge. You flatten your hands against his chest, pushing him down so you can bob your head on his length.

His hands curl in your hair, forcing you to take him down your throat as you seem to have wasted no time getting to the nitty gritty of it. With every movement Kihyun praises you until he’s about to come. Then he moves you away in lieu of saving his orgasm for your insides.

“Do you want to use protection?” You whisper. He hovers over you, forehead dressed again yours, lips parted eyes closed, ready to feel you against him for a first time in a while. 

“Do you?” You shake your head no and he nods, entering you slowly. You both can’t help the gasp that leave your throats. Your legs shake from pleasure as he moves slowly. 

You accept this as part of the risk that come with loving someone. You want his child, you want to be pregnant. He knows this and accepts it as well, kissing you between every slow drawn out thrust. Every time he feels you digging your nails into his wrist. Every time he sees your eyes flutters closed.

He knows he risk of knocking you up and being apart has taught him that he just wants what you want. If you say you want the moon he’ll bring it to you but baring his child isn’t as difficult a task as bringing you the moon. He admits to himself that when you said you weren’t pregnant he was a little hurt and disappointed. He didn’t realize he wanted his kid inside your womb until it wasn’t.

“Kihyun I need you to move more than this. You’re killing me.” You whine. His agreement is silent as he speeds up pistoling his hips into yours.

“Better? “He bites your lip, sucking on it to dissipate the pain, “You better not fucking leave again.” He warns but it’s just emotions talking. He knows if you wanted to leave he couldn’t stop you because you have the right as a woman, his partner, and his friend. 

“Okay! Okay Kihyun please. Don’t.” You’re muttering gibberish but that’s okay to him. His lip hides between his teeth as he feels his orgasm nearing. He rubs at your clit trying to force your orgasm because he knows he’s one and done today. You can’t help but cry out at his motions, bucking your hips against his to relieve the bubble growing in your stomach.

“Stop.” He groans picking up your legs to wrap them around his waist. You feel him deeper like this and it sends you into a frenzy. His name flies across when you come, violently.

“Good girl.” He whispers, “My good girl.” A few more strokes and he’s coming into you with the knowledge that he’s risking everything. 

“You’re sweaty get off me.” You screech when he collapses on top of you. Kihyun has a habit of sweating easily when he’s doing something physically exerting and it doubles when you’re having sex.

“No.” He kisses your neck, noting the marks that are starting to form. You whine at him, but he stays glued to you like white on rice. 

“Let’s go public.” His whispers softly finally laying on his back. His hand moves to your stomach, just sitting there. 

“Are you crazy? Do you want to die? Do you want me to die? Do you want to get banned from fan cafés, interviews, music videos, promotions, comebacks, goodbyes? Do you want starship to end your contract?” Your eyes widen at his statement. He’s obviously lost his mind being away from you for too long. Going public would affect your life, Monsta x’s life, and damage his career.

“Okay so when go to hospital and give birth to my child and I have to put my name on the birth certificate do think that won’t get leaked? Or when they see me holding hands with a pregnant woman? Or with a child? Do think you’re going to get killed?”

“I’m not even pregnant number one and number two yes! I think I will get killed by everyone.” You sigh. He laughs and kisses you before pulling you flush against him. 

“We can wait as long as you want but you know it’s going to be a lot harder to keep a child secret then it is keeping you and me.” Turning toward him, you look up at his face. 

“You look tired.” Reaching a hand up, you stroke his cheek as he leans into your touch. 

“I was asleep before you head butted me awake. I would like to get back to that.” 

“I’m not stopping you.” You suck your teeth at him. You’re bratty and he’s snarky, it’s your dynamic. A lot of your friends don’t understand how the two of you manage with the amount of sarcasm and snark that flows between ya’ll but to you it’s nice. Besides they don’t know how hard kihyun loves when you’re in private. They don’t know the little things that slip in: Like how you both talk during movies, or like to cook together, or how you steal his shirts and he uses your hair products. 

“You’re talking to me. Shut up.” Rolling your eyes, you rest your head on his chest, so you can listen to his heart beat. You’re silent for a while before Kihyun speaks, “I didn’t want you to stop talking. Sorry.” He likes the sound of your voice before falling asleep. It’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard.

“L.O.L, you think I stopped talking because of you? Don’t be vain now Ki. “you tease him, so he doesn’t feel bad. 

“I take it back. Shut up.” He teases you because you’re annoying. He loves bullying you because of the way you pout at him or fire a shot back. He knows you can take a joke so there’s not a lot of room for worry of offending you.

He just really…loves you.


	7. Refresh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so low budget editing again but I wanted to squeeze out a fresh price. College has me super busy but the good news is that I may be going to korea nex semester.

Kihyun loves you like it’s the first time all over again. His lips are on yours after a particularly exciting night yet he’s calm, eyes following the dips of your body as he pushes your hair away from your face. He wants to celebrate with you instead. 

“You pregnant yet?” He flashes you a pretty grin, teeth white as snow whilst his eyes are that sun that his eyes reflect off you, burning desire into your skin. He glistens and it makes you roll your eyes into the back of your head.

“Do I look pregnant?” You say back, voice full of mock agitation. Kihyun seems to find ways to annoy you on purpose these days, it’s like he seeks your attention. Like a puppy or a baby, it’s something you haven’t seen since the start of your relationship.

“Do you think you’ll be pregnant by the time we get married?” He ask, lips finding their way to your collarbone. You shiver and he takes that as a cue to pin your hands above your head. It’s a sensitive gesture but the force behind it makes your stomach twist into pretzel knots.

“I don’t know Ki. Can you stop asking me about it baby?” He’s vowed to do better, be better. Which is cool but his new found oath takes way to annoy you sometimes. Perhaps it’s his fear of loosing you again that has him so...emotionally needy?

“Sorry.” He grunts sliding into you. You heads lulls back, your nails dig into his skin as your mouth shapes into an O. He’s great, he feels so full of love so full of comfort. You stole it away in the pits of your womanhood, letting your body feed into the ups and downs of pleasure.  
Letting your nail etch every feeling your mouth can’t express into his skin, carving angry red marks into the yellow colored flesh.

“You like that?” He bites your ear making you hiss. Your stomach twist and turns at the sensation of him moving inside of you, it’s so intimate, so soft, so him. It’s everything you love about him personified as he push his love in and draws it out of you. It’s his essence.

“I love it.” Your lip sinks between your teeth, your eyes close tightly. Kihyun’s skin is sweaty against your, his hands are clammy around your neck, his lips swollen against your own. You scream into his throat as he swallows the sound wholly. 

You can’t move as the relief flushes over your body, leaving you glowing. Leaving you In ecstasy, leaving you drained but glowing.

He exits, your arm shoots out to grab him back, you don’t want to loose the fullness of your love, but it’s too late. He goes and takes those feelings with him. He does this every time. He does this as he collapse beside you peppering your cheeks with kisses, gently smiling at you.

“You know I love you.” He whispers into nothingness.

“I love you too.” You don’t know who your talking to anymore though.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments forever and always requested


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